LOGIC

1. Candy is a vegetable.
   1. Candy is made mostly from sugar.
   2. Sugar is extracted from sugar cane and sugar beets.
   3. Sugar cane and sugar beets are vegetables.
      so
   4. Candy is a vegetable.

   
   
   

2. School is evil.
   1. You attend school to gain knowledge.
   2. "Knowledge is power."
   3. "Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely."
   4. Corruption is evil.
      so
   5. School is evil.

   
   
   

3. Bacon saves lives.
   1. Bacon is high in salt and saturated fats.
   2. Consuming large quantities of these will make you fat.
   3. "Fat is the enemy of speed."
   4. "Speed kills."
      so
   5. Bacon saves lives.

   
   
   

4. Wasting food feeds the poor and lowers your taxes.
   1. Wasting food artificially inflates demand.
   2. Less farm subsidy is needed because the farmer is able to sell more of his product.
   3. Farm subsidy comes from your taxes.
      and
   4. Farmers and ranchers produce more to satisfy the artificially inflated demand.
   5. By increasing his production, the farmer lowers relative overhead and his per capita cost.
   6. Lower production costs will reduce the cost of food.
   7. Lower food prices will allow the poor to afford more food with the same money.
      so
   8. Wasting food feeds the poor and lowers your taxes.

THE WISDOM OF OTHERS

1. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
   Dave Barry

2. The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is 42. It's obvious you don't understand the question.
   Douglas Adams - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

3. Nothing is ever what it seems, but everything is exactly what it is.
   Buckaroo Bonzai - The Bonzai Institute for Biomedical Engineering and Strategic Information.

4. That which does not destroy us only makes us stronger.
   Emperor Kahless - 36 A.K.

5. Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
   Groucho Marx - 1948.

6. You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. Of course you can catch the most with dead squirrels.
   Woody Harrelson - Cheers.

7. When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
   Matt Groening - Life In Hell.

8. Time's fun when you're having flies.
   Kermit the Frog.

9. F**k 'em if they can't take a joke.
   Bette Midler - 1982.

BUMPER STICKERS

Illiterate? Write for free help.

I brake for animals. I come to a complete stop for the big ones.

Borger King - Your way is irrelevant.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Nuke a gay baby whale for Jesus.

Life in a vacuum sucks.

True wisdom doesn't fit on a bumper sti...

POETRY

Little Mary used to drink,
But she will drink no more,
For what she thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.

THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE

1. Man is the center of the universe.
   The Pope (any Pope).

2. The Sun is the center of the universe.
   Copernicus.

3. The center of the universe is an arbitrary point.
   Newton.

4. The universe is a finite yet unbounded sphere, it has no center.
   Einstein.

5. The center of the universe is beyond the event horizon of the ultimate black hole, just before the Big Bang.
   Hawking.

6. I am the center of the universe.
   Me.

LIFE





DEATH

"When I Die, I want to go like my grandfather did,
peacefully in his sleep.
Not yelling and screaming,
like all the passengers in his car!"

"I was so frightened, I felt the icy grip of Father Death."
"Father Death? No, that's Father Time. I think it's supposed to be Old Man Death."
"No, that's Old Man River."
"I don't care what he's called, I felt his icy fingers up and down my spine."
"That's That Old Black Magic."

THE FUTURE

1. Under Construction.
   

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